It has been quite some time since I had last put to pen my thoughts and feelings with regards to my own life.

I do not know why, but it seems that outside my supposedly confident exterior, I had been feeling this strange emptiness in my life for the longest time.

There had been sparks of brightness, moments of warmth, and even flickering semblance of love that would emerge and disappear as quickly before I could even grasp them in my hands.

Sigh..

How many times had I done that I wonder.

Those memories of Cambridge primary seemed to always fill with joy and hope and never-ending companionship with my buddies then.

I could never forget the plump Henry whom would always stumble in between the badminton matches we have in the halls. The images of the shuttlecocks flying back and forth and there was even once, when the upper primary kids would barge into our courts and demanded that we ‘surrender’ our territory to them.

*Chuckles*

And I smashed my racket into one of the guy’s face when they tried to bully us into submission. All I remembered of the aftermath was that we actually headed into the toilet to ‘negotiate’, and ended up fighting in the toilet *laughs* as my good pal the head prefect actually came in to stop the fight when he had learned of the incident (and strangely I could not remember his name no matter how hard I tried). That had left me with a broken set of spectacles, torn uniform, and a slightly bloody nose, while those other guys had lesser injuries; we retained ‘control’ of our badminton court in the hall; and strange as it might sound, we actually felt a certain sense of meaningless pride there.

And there was this other time, when we were so engrossed in those Tamiya racing cars that we would forget ourselves. Always trying to outfit and outrace the other guy at the hobby shop on the scaled down racing track. I still remember that my two cars was called the ‘Egress’ and the ‘Avante’, really cool sounding names huh? And we would stay in the shop for so long, that by the time we remembered to go home, the sun would have already started to set; knowing that I would have to steel myself for either some caning or severe lambasting from my mum or dad for returning so late.

I wonder if the hobby shop just behind Golden Landmark hotel is still around.

Such fond memories…

And those joy, pride, and hope seemed harder and harder to reach with every passing year.

I must be getting old...

It was sometime ago when I've decided to make some reorganisation to my online blog posts.

The original intention of this blog had solely been a site where I could place my rants about people, and certain events that had been interesting in my life. Although the initial few posts had been more or less than prudent in its seriousness, I deem apt to post them since they are about me after all. Yet, due to certain events which had been transpiring around me which I could not seem to ignore, and with the abject seriousness of those topics which I feel would not have the similar impact that I hope would have transcend upon my readers, therefore I've decided to set up another blog while retaining this site as my life's rant page, and would perhaps proceed to revamp this site into one of my dedicated D&D gaming blog posts as well.

Thus, I hope with all considerations, for my readers who follows this current blog of mine, I do wish that you continue to do so. As for some of you whom might wish to visit my blog on my views with regards to more serious topics, may visit this site here at http://azmodeus.wordpress.com.

Apologies for any inconvenience caused. (Not that I really mean it. I just add this in for the sake of it ^^)

Cheers

Dungeons & Dragons (Part 1)

I am quite sure that most of you probably would have heard of this title somewhere along in your life somewhere, one way or another had you been following popular culture. You would probably have seen the atrociously lousy movie that goes along with the title of it, or perhaps you have played the then popular video arcade games in the 90s, or some might even have seen the tv series of it somewhere.

But what most people might not have known that Dungeons and Dragons did not originate from a tv series, movie or even an arcade game.

Its a roleplaying game.

And I am not even talking about the video/PC Final Fantasy, Diablo, Breath of Fire, Arc the Lad, Romancing Saga type of games. Nor the much popular MMORPG games thats running rampant around such as World of Warcraft, Ultima, or even Dungeons and Dragons Online.

I am talking about the true blue RPGs that runs on pen, paper, and loads of imagination The type of RPGs with friends whom would sit around with you at the dining table, acting out their characters, checking with the next guy if hes got the right spells prepared, discussing their battle plans with the next horde of imaginary monsters that were planning to jump a surprise on them in the next corner kind of RPG.

Since most people do not have an idea of what Dungeons and Dragons roleplaying game is like in the first place, can't say it had been terribly popular in Singapore as well. Perhaps I'll just ramble on a little of my personal experience on how I had started the game.

I guess it all started out when I was in my cousin's room back when I was 10, and to be honest, at that point in time, I have no idea what I was getting into was this addictive. Nonetheless, I was going through his stuffs on his table scanning through a whole bunch of his wierd collections of preserved insects kept in bottles filled with formalin, yea you got it there, bottles of beetles, ants, flies, bees, moths, and even a tiny snake submerged in clear yellowish liquid. It was quite a sight, enthralled for a moment by those innocuous bottles, before moving on to some multi colored faceted dices, those 4, 8, 12, and 20 sided dices catching my attention, again fascinated by the the fact that apart from the standard 6 sided dices (seen it quite often in my relatives mahjong sessions), these dices actually existed. It was when my cousin happened to came back and caught me with the dices, and I think, at that point in time, some kind of wicked idea flashed across his mind and have decided to introduce the game to me. Which being the young impressionable me then, decided why not? =)

And thus I had begun my journey to a fantasy world of giant purple man eating worms, fantastical fire breathing dragons, and cute morbid dwarves with my cousin. With a pen, and a paper, writing down my character's key statistics down, and we are ready to go, and from there I will assumed a a character of a sword wielding hero, donnng classic medieval armor and on my way to save a village from certain destruction by a pillaging orc band. My cousin will fill me in with the backdrop of the place where I was in, of wide open plains of farmlands, as villagers tend to their lands, and children running across the plains chasing butterflies, and as I walked along the wide farm tracks, the farmers came to me and informed me of recent rampaging orc bands which had been threatening the village in exchange for gold and food. As my cousin recites the story to me, as my imaginative minds vividly paints the scene of me championing the cause of good for the peasants and defend the weak against the wicked. As the skirmishes came on hard and fast, rolling dices to indicate how well I had struck the orcs, the higher the roll the better, as I've remember rolling a 20 on the 20 sided dice, as my cousin described my blade arcing down diagonally across the orc's body, the creature looks up at me stupidly, seemingly unhurt, and as he was about to raise his axe to strike at me, its upper torso starts to slide off, as the creature falls to the ground in two, sliced from right shoulder to left lower hip. I could almost imagine the tenseness of the battle, as each of my actions which I took in battle relates to the chances of survival for the villagers, and each roll of my dice translates to the success of my slashes, strikes and parries. The day ended quickly, 4 hours passed just like that within my cousin's room, just the two of us, with him relating the adventure and story, and I lived the life of a hero of honor in glory, saving lives and crushing evil.

The game itself requires at least 2 or more players to play it, one of them will take the role of the DM short for dungeon master, whom takes the role of the storyteller, the person whom arbitrates the rules within the game for the players and narrate the happenstance of what happens within the game and how it affects on the players, whom also assumes the roles of NPCs or non-player characters who appears within the game to interact with the players. As for the players within the game, they each assume a role of a character within the game (or story), where they are the primary cast whom gets to decide and act out their roles, which would ultimately influence the ending of the game which the Dungeon Master had usually already planned for.

To be honest, it was just something which I had not anticipated to be that fun, a game where it just takes a few imaginative players with a hell load of time to spare to sit down and enjoy the story with them, the main players and actors to determine the ending of that story. There was no pre-planned script, just people talking to one another, getting a fix from their roles, doing something which they could probably never get to do in real life, and thats casting spells, slinging fireballs at the other guy, hurling lightning bolts, swinging a magicked sword, shooting a bow, or calling upon the elements to crush your foe that sorta thing. Perhaps I had been overly simplistic, but thats exactly what had attracted me to the game initially, the simplism of the game, the ability of something so simple which draws upon the players' imagination to fuel your drive to play it.

As I progressed further into the game, the game had evolved to the point where its more than just to save damsels in distress, burning villages or kill the evil monster kinda campaigns. It had became more complicated as I was introduced to my cousin's DM, he kinda a dark ages romanticist, and he has such a knack for bringing life into the stories which he tells, his games were normally much more lively with witty conversations with his NPCs. We had games which involve plots, subterfuge, assassinations, and insidious plans set upon us by dark and evil characters within the game. It became complicated, yet, at the same time, I felt the game became more real, more tangible to what we touch on in real life, yet at the same time, provided that draw of a surreal fantasy world.

Okay,

Alright lets see, I still haven't finish my draft on the Penang trip yet, ya, theres alot of crap to be wrote, although its mostly the pictures which I did not have the time to upload it (amidst a chorus of boos).. OK OK! I know you guys are probably thinking that I am finding excuses (especially Janice), which I am not. bleah

So I shall dedicate my blog entry today to Miss Janice. Hmm.. sounds wierd that I should dedicate a blog entry to one of my major protagonists... but ya... I guess for her effort in reading my entries I supposed I could oblige her loyal readership with my entry for her.

Lets see,

I don't believe I had known her for a long time, infact I couldn't exactly remember where did I met her first (pardon me lar, I mean I don't note down who or when I met em sometimes). If I am not wrong, the first time that I've got to know this quirky lady was over at Happy (a gay club), for those wondering why the hell I was there in the first place, I don't even have an idea myself. All I do know is that some friend by the name of D managed to convince us of a place with good music and a place to shake our bomboms, and we went.

So it was there I got to know this charbor, I mean, at first glance, seriously, I had this impression that she have this retro style look, straight cut hair, nerdy glasses, and hell, with a set of perky cheeks to boot~ LOL and so there I was sashaying to the music, watching D, iz, and zy getting all warmed up to this ermm.. sassy lass (ok, I only got know the sassy part a lil later).

Alright, to be honest, she really doesn't look like your typical Singaporean chick that walks along the street, I mean, though shes supposed to be elegant (as part of her job requirements), I mean hell I don't see that particular trait when we are with her, I mean come on, which air stewardess will pinch you for 4-5 times for saying that shes a mummy's girl?Yup, elegance is definitely out, but sassy is in, which is where I found out about that part... it didn't take long though, maybe only about half an hour into Happy? lol

I guess she has her cute points, well... her cheeks are cute, cute retro looking glasses, hmmm.. perky posterior, and ermm.. what else? lol... alright maybe I let the rest fill me up on this particular portion, since her cuteness fails to dawn on me whenever she pinches me or grabs for my family jewels (YES!! She did!) whenever I make a smart aleck or wise ass comment about her *bleah*. Nonetheless, apart from those cute/uncute parts about her, after getting to know her for awhile, you'll realise that she isn't that bad I guess, well... apart from her quirkiness, unruliness, sassiness, cheekiness, and blurness behavior, taking those away, you actually get a down to earth, filial, fiercely loyal, emotional, and fun loving friend. *smiles* To be honest, Janice must have been one of those few persons I know whom would never fail her mum for dinner dates or outings, she would never find excuses or reasons not to go (which I must say I had been guilty of several times), for her, commitment to her family is probably one of her top priorities in life, and I really respect her for that.

Although I'll have to say I did not really have a really good impression of her during certain points of our friendship (read my entry on FoB), where I do find her too emotional at times when it comes to certain decision making, I guess after geting to know her better, I realised that its just her, and I guess the part where shes loyal to her friends kinda offsets most of her supposed bad points, and whats the most important criteria for being a friend? That is to be there for that person when he needs it, and Janice happens to be that kind of person, one who believes in the things that she do, one who believes that to be a good friend means one to be able to commit to maintaining that friendship. And for that, I am quite willing to be the kind of friend for her whom I would offer my well meaning advice to her, bum and crap together, and of course, offer my aid and support whenever she needs it.

Though if it helps, she really gotta curb her emotional outburst a little sometimes. *chuckles*

Well, thats it for my post today, and I am kinda expecting more pinches the next time I see this charbor again. Wish me luck people.

Been feeling a little poetic today, must have been the really lax office environment which I am sitting in right now. Alright, can't say that I've been lazy, just that there just isn't anything to do at the moment.

Apart from writing poems *smiles* right.

And this is written for a friend, whom had left me for another far away place quite sometime ago...

The Fight, for you

Sounds of the other side tugs at me
I feel the fight sip out of me
Could I not stop this slide?
Staring at him as I look inside
The anger simmers within, the bell rings twice for it to end.
I could not fall to him, as I sought to fight to the bitter end.
I asked myself for what I seek
Desire I say, is what I need
Not too soon in gasping breaths, tore myself off tired clasps.
He raised his arms in mocking scorn, taunting my efforts as futile moans.
The fists connect in crackling thunder
Hot blood spew as sinews torn asunder.
Aspirations fulfilled with elations I felt
The raging anger deflated like felt
The thoughts retained... reminding myself what I’ve won
The glory attained... with blood, and strength well worn.
I knew not for which I cried,
Yet, you knew I fought, not for wounded pride
The questions answered in simple light
Resilience, hope, and strength portrayed
Defending honor as dignity dictates.
And for you my love,
Where death forbade.

Friends..

Alot of times I had tried to maintain a certain kind of moral dignity and to constantly remind myself not to be judgmental with the people I know, whether or not they may be doing something which I may not like. Realising the fact that no one may be truly alike, you would also realised that there is really no one whom you might find no fault with (therefore the reference where no man is a saint comes from). For me, whether they are just acquaintances, fair weathered friends, or truly close-personal friends. I've tried to treat them the same, given the same amount of priority with my limited amount of space, and time.

And having friends is all about finding the right people to be with, and to know if that person is the right kinda person, the kinda person whom you could comfortably sit down and crap about what you think, without having to constantly consider the potential landmines with the person you are crapping to.

Speaking bluntly had been one of my better virtues or curse for that matter, and there were actually times when I question myself if it was truly worth letting people know who I really am at times. There is a still this little part of me inside which tells me I should keep a little of myself inside, there might be people out there whom might try to hurt you for knowing you too well. And on the other hand, I know that in order for others to open up to you, I should always be the first to do it. It is this little dilemma which I had to deal with every single day when I go out there, and say hi to that bugger...

Then there is this friend whom told me something, she said,
"You could only be hurt by the amount that you want yourself to be hurt."

And I perfectly understand what she means and how she felt, but I guess I deal with things a little differently from her, and how the context of the sentence reflect on me. For me, to allow oneself to be hurt by someone would have to be someone whom mattered to me in the first place, and to be honest, there are quite a few people in this world whom matters. And they had earned my trust in many ways and many times before, and I could probably not envisage alot of certain circumstances where I would be hurt by them. And it does take quite abit for someone to reach the stage where their loss would mean alot to me.

With regards to the people whom I consider as friends but had not reach the stage where they would matter alot, its more like a points system where people in my life are constantly rated by their actions. Whether I truly matter to them, or if my feelings were part of their considerations and of course, in situations where they stick by you when the going gets rough. In all, actions speak louder than words, and words are cheap, I could tell you a million times that you are my best buddy in the world, but it only takes a single instance of thoughtless action to tell you how much that "best buddy" truly feels about you. And I could only say that I had been through alot of that, and I had been alot more forgiving than I used to.

It does feel wierd that I would actually rate my friends that way, but to be honest, I do not really have a chart which tells me where my friends really rank in terms of my affection for em. To me, all my friends do matter to me, whether its more or less, but I guess in my heart, I know whom are the persons whom do deserve that extra thought or that extra time from me. And to those whom I still call friends that would probably cause nothing more than a blip on my friendship radar when they disappear, I could only say... just too bad.

A penny of my thoughts...
Could I charge a dollar instead?

Apparently I had been receiving more complaints lately with regards to my lack-of-updates-blog over here. Been kinda compelled to come back here to try and make a statement. *shrugs helplessly* (Ya I m sorry Sel~ lol)

I guess there are quite abit of things which I could have blogged about. But I guess I had either been really lazy, felt that my writing is too bad to be posted here, or just.. simply don't feel like writing it down. Oh well.. pardon me.. I mean.. I had never really been hit by the blogging vibe anyway (as the readers of my previous blog understands this as the exact reason why my last blog closed down).

Alright some of you peeps probably know that I had left on a short trip to Penang not too long ago (hmm.. alright it was 2 months ago) after I had left my last job.. right.. had way too much angst leftover from there *sighs* (will leave that story for the next post)Anyway.. for some whom might not know.. that was hardly the original plan.. what can I say.. the best made plans never stood against the test of human volatility.

Well.. for the uninitiated, the original plan was to fly off to Bali to enjoy the 3Bs and 3Ss there, the bars, babes, booze, sun, sand and sea, since my good friend D is able to obtain lodgings at half the marketed rate from a friend operating resort bungalows over there, me and my fellow conspirators were thinking, "Wow, great deal.. sure." Which was something that was planned ermm.. somewhere in April or May? (can't really remember) anyway.. things were kinda going smoothly (smoothly is an operative word), emails were sent back and forth, comfirming the suckers goin, comfirmation with our lodging there, plan over wat we gonna do there..

(Alright, details up to this particular part of the story is limited to wat I know had transpired. Since there were certain gray areas which is a little too sensitive for me to comfirm from the antagonist(s) or the antagonised.)

UNTIL.. I received a msg from my good friend D that the whole thing had been called off, and he had decided to cancel the rooms which he had already booked. I was quite stunned (to put it mildly) to know something like that, after all that hassle? And I checked with Zac (one of the conspirators), only to comfirmed that fact, and naturally the first reaction on your mind was, "Wat the fuck happened?"

Had second hand knowledge from Zac that there were some complications (and since he mentioned complications.. it should be complicated) and I finally understood that there were 3 parts to this story.

(Ok.. there were originally 5 conspirators to this plan, they re D, Zac, Zy, Yl, and me, lets call us the Fellowship of Bali or FoB for short.)

Ok, there was this mutual friend of ours (I call her Jan/princess, she prefers to be called the latter), I understood later that she was the originator of the idea to head to Bali, which so happens to coincide with my lil idea to skip to some foreign land to let go of my angst, and she had the intention to head out out to Bali with our FoB. Then, Yl went on to invite Jon (whom happened to be Jan's pal, which at that point in time, I don't know him personally) to the trip, and one of the complications started when Jon was not sure if he could make it, since he might be going to LA in that period, which resulted in some strong words from some of us in the FoB that if he can't comfirm in time, then we would naturally leave him out of the plans, rather than to drag down the entire group with his unpredictability.

Which so happens, a 2nd complication arose when Riz (a good pal of Jon and Jan) knows about the trip, and realised that he was not invited, got either pissed/mad/unhappy that he wasn't part of the plan. Which cause a certain amount of unhappiness with Jan, where she decided later on, not to go due to a certain event which she had to attend (and I probably assume that in no small part its also due to this unhappiness caused by Riz). Which although we had attempt to persuade her to join us, for I feel a certain amount of obligation to soothe that bump caused by Yl, and hope that Jan will join us again (well.. she is a mutual friend and the originator of the idea which I had mentioned earlier), which unfortunately, did not happen.

So I thought, alright.. we lost one person to the trip, but I figured that it shouldnt disrupt the plans too much.

UNTIL.. the 3rd complication arose when Yl wanted to bring his gf along.. alright.. I am cool with that.. as long as they stay in their room with all their hanky panky, I m really cool about it. Unfortunately, which was not the case when Yl enquired if it was possible for D to obtain ANOTHER bungalow for just him and his gf AT THE DISCOUNTED RATE. I mean for goodness sake, that guy (friend of D's) gave us a bungalow at half the rate as a good will for his friend, and Yl had to ask for another discounted rate bungalow AFTER the lodgings had been comfirmed. Sheesh.. couldn't Yl have some sense of decency to think for D if he were in HIS shoes? *Sigh* anyway.. naturally D got pissed..

So in the aftermath of the above complications, D in his pissed mode.. decides to cancel the lodgings and therefore throw our plans to Bali into the cesspool. Well.. to be honest.. I can't say that I blame D for his actions, I mean.. considering wat had transpired with ppl not being able to comfirm their trip, ppl dropping out, and peeps asking for ridiculous requests? I think I might have done the same..

So.. the morale of the story is.. Get the show moving. Stick with the plans if you intend to get anything done, ESP if its a trip overseas with your friends. And if there re other buggers whom wish to join in, make sure that they are able to comfirm as well.. and as for fools asking for something out of the ordinary.. drop em.

*Sigh* I was quite pissed by Yl with his actions for causing most of the complications above.. but on hindsight.. I guess its juz him.. knowing him for the past 9-10 years? I should have known better.. as much as I wish that he would change for the better.. and perhaps finally think for others and consider circumstances in other ppls' shoes.. somehow.. I keep getting disappointed by his crap.. perhaps its time that I should stop expecting and start moving on..

So.. with all the planning and discarding.. we turned from FoB to FoP.. the Fellowship of Penang.. WOooWEee.. and as many of you guys would have guessed.. Yl is not part of the troop..

Woah.. and after all that.. I think I had written quite abit *chuckles* this is probably one of my longest blog ever. Now I know why girls' blogs are so long esp when they re totally emo. lol~ anyway.. will write about that Penang trip sometime.

Till then
Hope u guys had enjoyed this totally meaningless story =)