Been feeling a little poetic today, must have been the really lax office environment which I am sitting in right now. Alright, can't say that I've been lazy, just that there just isn't anything to do at the moment.

Apart from writing poems *smiles* right.

And this is written for a friend, whom had left me for another far away place quite sometime ago...

The Fight, for you

Sounds of the other side tugs at me
I feel the fight sip out of me
Could I not stop this slide?
Staring at him as I look inside
The anger simmers within, the bell rings twice for it to end.
I could not fall to him, as I sought to fight to the bitter end.
I asked myself for what I seek
Desire I say, is what I need
Not too soon in gasping breaths, tore myself off tired clasps.
He raised his arms in mocking scorn, taunting my efforts as futile moans.
The fists connect in crackling thunder
Hot blood spew as sinews torn asunder.
Aspirations fulfilled with elations I felt
The raging anger deflated like felt
The thoughts retained... reminding myself what I’ve won
The glory attained... with blood, and strength well worn.
I knew not for which I cried,
Yet, you knew I fought, not for wounded pride
The questions answered in simple light
Resilience, hope, and strength portrayed
Defending honor as dignity dictates.
And for you my love,
Where death forbade.

Friends..

Alot of times I had tried to maintain a certain kind of moral dignity and to constantly remind myself not to be judgmental with the people I know, whether or not they may be doing something which I may not like. Realising the fact that no one may be truly alike, you would also realised that there is really no one whom you might find no fault with (therefore the reference where no man is a saint comes from). For me, whether they are just acquaintances, fair weathered friends, or truly close-personal friends. I've tried to treat them the same, given the same amount of priority with my limited amount of space, and time.

And having friends is all about finding the right people to be with, and to know if that person is the right kinda person, the kinda person whom you could comfortably sit down and crap about what you think, without having to constantly consider the potential landmines with the person you are crapping to.

Speaking bluntly had been one of my better virtues or curse for that matter, and there were actually times when I question myself if it was truly worth letting people know who I really am at times. There is a still this little part of me inside which tells me I should keep a little of myself inside, there might be people out there whom might try to hurt you for knowing you too well. And on the other hand, I know that in order for others to open up to you, I should always be the first to do it. It is this little dilemma which I had to deal with every single day when I go out there, and say hi to that bugger...

Then there is this friend whom told me something, she said,
"You could only be hurt by the amount that you want yourself to be hurt."

And I perfectly understand what she means and how she felt, but I guess I deal with things a little differently from her, and how the context of the sentence reflect on me. For me, to allow oneself to be hurt by someone would have to be someone whom mattered to me in the first place, and to be honest, there are quite a few people in this world whom matters. And they had earned my trust in many ways and many times before, and I could probably not envisage alot of certain circumstances where I would be hurt by them. And it does take quite abit for someone to reach the stage where their loss would mean alot to me.

With regards to the people whom I consider as friends but had not reach the stage where they would matter alot, its more like a points system where people in my life are constantly rated by their actions. Whether I truly matter to them, or if my feelings were part of their considerations and of course, in situations where they stick by you when the going gets rough. In all, actions speak louder than words, and words are cheap, I could tell you a million times that you are my best buddy in the world, but it only takes a single instance of thoughtless action to tell you how much that "best buddy" truly feels about you. And I could only say that I had been through alot of that, and I had been alot more forgiving than I used to.

It does feel wierd that I would actually rate my friends that way, but to be honest, I do not really have a chart which tells me where my friends really rank in terms of my affection for em. To me, all my friends do matter to me, whether its more or less, but I guess in my heart, I know whom are the persons whom do deserve that extra thought or that extra time from me. And to those whom I still call friends that would probably cause nothing more than a blip on my friendship radar when they disappear, I could only say... just too bad.

A penny of my thoughts...
Could I charge a dollar instead?

Apparently I had been receiving more complaints lately with regards to my lack-of-updates-blog over here. Been kinda compelled to come back here to try and make a statement. *shrugs helplessly* (Ya I m sorry Sel~ lol)

I guess there are quite abit of things which I could have blogged about. But I guess I had either been really lazy, felt that my writing is too bad to be posted here, or just.. simply don't feel like writing it down. Oh well.. pardon me.. I mean.. I had never really been hit by the blogging vibe anyway (as the readers of my previous blog understands this as the exact reason why my last blog closed down).

Alright some of you peeps probably know that I had left on a short trip to Penang not too long ago (hmm.. alright it was 2 months ago) after I had left my last job.. right.. had way too much angst leftover from there *sighs* (will leave that story for the next post)Anyway.. for some whom might not know.. that was hardly the original plan.. what can I say.. the best made plans never stood against the test of human volatility.

Well.. for the uninitiated, the original plan was to fly off to Bali to enjoy the 3Bs and 3Ss there, the bars, babes, booze, sun, sand and sea, since my good friend D is able to obtain lodgings at half the marketed rate from a friend operating resort bungalows over there, me and my fellow conspirators were thinking, "Wow, great deal.. sure." Which was something that was planned ermm.. somewhere in April or May? (can't really remember) anyway.. things were kinda going smoothly (smoothly is an operative word), emails were sent back and forth, comfirming the suckers goin, comfirmation with our lodging there, plan over wat we gonna do there..

(Alright, details up to this particular part of the story is limited to wat I know had transpired. Since there were certain gray areas which is a little too sensitive for me to comfirm from the antagonist(s) or the antagonised.)

UNTIL.. I received a msg from my good friend D that the whole thing had been called off, and he had decided to cancel the rooms which he had already booked. I was quite stunned (to put it mildly) to know something like that, after all that hassle? And I checked with Zac (one of the conspirators), only to comfirmed that fact, and naturally the first reaction on your mind was, "Wat the fuck happened?"

Had second hand knowledge from Zac that there were some complications (and since he mentioned complications.. it should be complicated) and I finally understood that there were 3 parts to this story.

(Ok.. there were originally 5 conspirators to this plan, they re D, Zac, Zy, Yl, and me, lets call us the Fellowship of Bali or FoB for short.)

Ok, there was this mutual friend of ours (I call her Jan/princess, she prefers to be called the latter), I understood later that she was the originator of the idea to head to Bali, which so happens to coincide with my lil idea to skip to some foreign land to let go of my angst, and she had the intention to head out out to Bali with our FoB. Then, Yl went on to invite Jon (whom happened to be Jan's pal, which at that point in time, I don't know him personally) to the trip, and one of the complications started when Jon was not sure if he could make it, since he might be going to LA in that period, which resulted in some strong words from some of us in the FoB that if he can't comfirm in time, then we would naturally leave him out of the plans, rather than to drag down the entire group with his unpredictability.

Which so happens, a 2nd complication arose when Riz (a good pal of Jon and Jan) knows about the trip, and realised that he was not invited, got either pissed/mad/unhappy that he wasn't part of the plan. Which cause a certain amount of unhappiness with Jan, where she decided later on, not to go due to a certain event which she had to attend (and I probably assume that in no small part its also due to this unhappiness caused by Riz). Which although we had attempt to persuade her to join us, for I feel a certain amount of obligation to soothe that bump caused by Yl, and hope that Jan will join us again (well.. she is a mutual friend and the originator of the idea which I had mentioned earlier), which unfortunately, did not happen.

So I thought, alright.. we lost one person to the trip, but I figured that it shouldnt disrupt the plans too much.

UNTIL.. the 3rd complication arose when Yl wanted to bring his gf along.. alright.. I am cool with that.. as long as they stay in their room with all their hanky panky, I m really cool about it. Unfortunately, which was not the case when Yl enquired if it was possible for D to obtain ANOTHER bungalow for just him and his gf AT THE DISCOUNTED RATE. I mean for goodness sake, that guy (friend of D's) gave us a bungalow at half the rate as a good will for his friend, and Yl had to ask for another discounted rate bungalow AFTER the lodgings had been comfirmed. Sheesh.. couldn't Yl have some sense of decency to think for D if he were in HIS shoes? *Sigh* anyway.. naturally D got pissed..

So in the aftermath of the above complications, D in his pissed mode.. decides to cancel the lodgings and therefore throw our plans to Bali into the cesspool. Well.. to be honest.. I can't say that I blame D for his actions, I mean.. considering wat had transpired with ppl not being able to comfirm their trip, ppl dropping out, and peeps asking for ridiculous requests? I think I might have done the same..

So.. the morale of the story is.. Get the show moving. Stick with the plans if you intend to get anything done, ESP if its a trip overseas with your friends. And if there re other buggers whom wish to join in, make sure that they are able to comfirm as well.. and as for fools asking for something out of the ordinary.. drop em.

*Sigh* I was quite pissed by Yl with his actions for causing most of the complications above.. but on hindsight.. I guess its juz him.. knowing him for the past 9-10 years? I should have known better.. as much as I wish that he would change for the better.. and perhaps finally think for others and consider circumstances in other ppls' shoes.. somehow.. I keep getting disappointed by his crap.. perhaps its time that I should stop expecting and start moving on..

So.. with all the planning and discarding.. we turned from FoB to FoP.. the Fellowship of Penang.. WOooWEee.. and as many of you guys would have guessed.. Yl is not part of the troop..

Woah.. and after all that.. I think I had written quite abit *chuckles* this is probably one of my longest blog ever. Now I know why girls' blogs are so long esp when they re totally emo. lol~ anyway.. will write about that Penang trip sometime.

Till then
Hope u guys had enjoyed this totally meaningless story =)